Monday, October 26, 2015

Three Nil

Three Nil, or to put it another way, 3-0.
Yesterday afternoon was the derby against Newcastle or as Joe calls them, the black and white bastards. We couldn't get tickets so Joe dropped his laptop off so we could watch it live on some app he has got that I haven't got on mine. He put it on and buggered off to the match because he had a ticket. Quarter of an hour before kick-off and it went on the blink, turned gangster on us in fact and we couldn't get it back on because Joe's instructions over the phone were gibberish to me.
Then our Jimmy phoned up. "Hey!" says he. "Are you coming round to watch the match? I've got some drink in and Helen is coming down as well."
Good enough for me, it took us about five minutes to walk round there and pour myself a vodka just in time for kick-off. Newcastle were all over Sunderland until Collochini got sent off. He shouldn't have because he didn't actually touch the other player. Never mind, he did get sent off.
The game was ruined after that and personally I don't like cheats no matter who they play for.
Anyway, by the end of the game I had polished off a bottle of vodka and half a bottle of whisky. Jackie said I was falling all over and was in bed for about six bells. I've got scrapes and wounds all over me from falling over so she says. Personally I think she took the opportunity to beat me up, she is sneaky like that. However! I don't give a Fiddler's we won three nil!

Sunday, October 18, 2015

I forgot to mention.

I forgot to mention Angela's little dog, Poxy Roxy.
Angela is Jackie's daughter, she is thirty going on ten. She wanted a dog a couple of weeks ago so we took her to Cleadon kennels where she paid sixty five quid for a miniature Jack Russel bitch. It's dafter than Numb Nuts and actually tries to pick fights with him. Tara ignores the pair of them.
Yes, Angela;s Poxy Roxy, I forgot to mention that.

Numb Nuts

Numb Nuts, that's what he SHOULD be called.
I was talking to young Rebecca the other day, well, she's lovely and I have adopted her to all intents and purposes. She's just gone twenty and she isn't sure which side she is batting for, but she will work it out in her own way.
Anyway, I was talking to her.
 A couple of weeks prior she had bought a mastiff from the internet for fifty quid, a lovely dog too. So, and I have no reason why I did this really, I asked her to see if she could find me a young German Shepherd. Well, Tara is getting old now, she is about ten and having just had an operation to have a cyst removed she is not recovering as quickly as a young dog would.
So, I asked Becks to trawl tinternet and I hadn't got over the road before the phone was ringing.
"What!" said I in my best bedside manner, me being a doctor and all. Not a medical doctor you understand, but I'll have a good look at it for you.
"I've found a dog for you!" cries the unsure one. "It's an American Akita pup, at Gateshead."
"How much?" says me, turning round in the middle of the road and upsetting a driver who had to brake and blow his horn. He got a finger, he wasn't worth two.
"Forty quid!" says Becks.
"That's cheap," says I. "There must be something wrong with it."
I arrived back at the shop and turned the phone off, not much point talking to her on the phone if she is standing in front of me.
So, she shows me a picture on her phone and it seemed that the couple flogging the dog just wanted rid of him because they were moving house and the new landlord didn't allow pets.
Off we went to Gateshead and purchased this dog, an American Akita called Khan. No bother at all in the car despite the fact that he is less than a year old and is already bigger than Tara who is 103 pounds! Head out of the car window, all that, loved it.
Got him back, Tara put him in his place and then it started. He steals everything he can get his teeth into, opens packages, destroys letters, chases his own tail, plays with little dogs and anything that squeaks, wants to play all the time, sits beside the car because he thinks it is his, fights with Jackie and anybody who wants to tussle and follows me like a bad smell.
Jumps on the bed to wake you up, the dog is a complete pratt!
I don't know who named him Khan, but they should have called him Numb Nuts.