Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Addresses

Andrew, if you read this I have been trying to send you emails but don't seem to have your proper email address.

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

She is still not listening

She is still not listening, she never does! better explain I suppose.
It all revolves around Christmas and presents, the world's biggest rip-off, bigger than toilet paper, and THAT'S some rip-off!
Now, she knows that I don't like crew necks, not on tee shirts or jumpers or anything else, so she buys me a crew neck jumper for Christmas from Debenhams.
Christmas Day I open the parcel and see this crappy jumper. Well, not crappy, it's a nice one, she paid a lot of money for it but it was no good to me.
"You don't like it, do you?" she accused.
"No," said I honestly.
"Right!" was her response. "I'll take it back then if I can find the receipt."
"You do that," was my unsympathetic reply.
Well, I forgot about it and about twenty minutes ago she phoned me up.
"Freddie!" says she. "I am in Debenhams and they haven't got any Vee necks but they have got a lovely jumper with a collar and buttons. Will you wear it?"
"Is it a crew neck?" asked the superstar, (me)
"No."
"I'll have it then, bring some coke in with you." and I put the phone down because somebody was at the door and the dogs were going beeswax.
I mean to say, I TOLD her a dozen times, I don't like Debenhams because they are taking the piss and I don't like crew necks. Does she listen? Does she bollocks, and she is still not listening.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Lawless

Lawless.

He was Lawless by name and lawless by nature,
Trouble, right from the start.
Hard as nails, running wild through the streets
He was breaking his poor mother's heart.
Nature played a trick on Lawless
And the humour of nature is cruel.
He grew up as we all had expected
Into a dangerous fool.

He was a hard man, a man for all seasons,
Always out for a fight.
He couldn't hold drink but still he'd get plastered
In Clarke's every Saturday night.
He'd strip to his vest and challenge the best
Till the Gards they were called to come fast.
Then they'd lock him away for the rest of the day
And let him out on a Sunday for Mass.

One night he went down to the Ringsend Regatta
Where he met up with the bould Dolly Glass.
She wasn't exactly what you'd call beauty
But she was the belle of her class.
There was a whirlwind romance and Dolly took a flier
With Lawless she would settle down.
It was pure coincidence three months before
There was a Yankee destroyer in town.

The couple were blessed with one of God's miracles
Before six months had elapsed.
Dolly gave birth to a nine-pound black baby
And Lawless was fit to collapse.
She swore she'd nivver been touched by another
And Lawless took her at her word.
And the neighbours exclaimed, "He's the spit of his father!"
And the cuckoo's a wonderful bird.

Now Lawless stayed home to look after the family,
While Dolly went out for the night.
The ould gossips all say, "She's free in her ways."
And their evil rumours run rife.
When Lawless heard this he waited for Dolly
On the bridge where the river runs low.
No-one will ever know what happened next
But Dolly drowned in the water below.

Some say he's evil, some say he's crazy,
Everyone says that he's mad.
No-one would defend him, he was no angel
But I'll tell you he wasn't all bad.
They locked him away for the rest of his natural,
Never again will he see,
That at the back of Ringsend there's a lonely child playing
Where the Liffy runs into the sea.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Galway Bay

Sung to the tune of Galway Bay.

If I ever go back home again to Ireland,
I wonder what Jackie's going to say.
She's got me half demented with her nagging,
And she's got a mouth as big as Galway Bay.

Ha Ha Ha,
I just come out with them you know.

This is my Christmas story

This is my Christmas story.
Sixty-one years ago today, my brother Jimmy was about ten days old and I was coming up to nine next week. My mother was bathing the baby in one of those old fashioned baths in front of the fire and when she was done she handed him to me sitting on the armchair.
"Here," says she. "Keep hold of him while I empty the bath."
So I took hold of him and went "Goo goo goo."
The little bastard pissed all over me and he has been pissing on me ever since!"
This is my Christmas story.

Monday, December 12, 2016

knock!

At the early age of thirty-eight my mother said "Go west!"
"Get up!" said she, "And get a job!"
Said I, "I'll do my best."
So I pulled on my wellingtons to march to kilchamock
But I took a wrong turn in Charlestown
And I ended up in Knock.
Once a place of quiet retreat, now it's a holy site.
Where catholics get indulgences once or twice a night.
You can buy a set of rosary beads or get your candles blessed.
If you've got a guilty conscience
You can get it off your chest.

She is still not right.

She is still not right. When Khan bit the little dog the other day...well, not exactly bit, just sort of held her and warned her, he hurt her a fair bit. Having said that, if he had wanted to he could have bitten off her head, but he didn't, he was simply telling her to keep off his food.
The trouble is, him being so big he had her head and neck in his jaws and he has broken the skin a little bit on her neck. It's not bleeding or anything, but it traumatized her a good bit. She shakes a lot, a bit like someone with the DTs.
I had a dream the other night, I couldn't sleep a wink.
The rats were crawling up the wall and I was trying to get off the drink.
That sort of thing.
Oh she is barking at noises and eating okay, all that sort of thing, but she is still not right.

Friday, December 09, 2016

Wait till Mad Mary gets in!

Wait till mad Mary gets in from work, Khan will be in deep shit.
I blame our Robert, he has been told umpteen times not to bring treats for the dogs, they have got enough. Does he listen? does he shite.
He came up this morning to help me put a door on and of course brought a couple of rawhide bone things with him and a lot of other crap for the dogs.
The little one pinches the toys from Khan and he lets her, it's a game they play. The same thing does not apply to food. I was busy in the kitchen with the door and Robert, (Brain of Britain 1952) gives the dogs the rawhide things. Little Charlie hides her's and then pinches Khan's. Next thing you know she is screaming in fear because he has got her head and neck in his jaws and he is growling.
I had to jump in and get her away from him and she ran under the dining table, screaming and shit herself, literally, again!
She doesn't seem to be hurt so clearly he was just warning her, he could kill her with one  casual bite. He has hurt her but not damaged her.
I had to go and get a dog cage for her so that from now on she can go in there away from him poor little bugger.
He knows he is in trouble of course, the little dog is traumatized
Just wait till mad Mary comes in.

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

It's about time!

It's about time if you ask me. Mind, nobody is asking so forget that.
To begin at the beginning, always a good place to start, the lads are here to do my boiler. I am getting a brand new, state of the art job so we will be able to get a shower in future without the water going suddenly cold at the wrong moment. It's not funny when you are washing your interesting bits and you are suddenly plunged into a surprise cryogenic situation.
Anyway, that is being done as I speak. Yes, I know I should have said 'write' but I have been saying the wrong thing for years, why change now?
I have got my inner back door off because I am in the process of fitting a new on. My inner front door has to come off next because that needs replacing too. Then there are two doors upstairs that need a bit of work on them as well.
There is a fair bit of painting to be done before Christmas and on top of all that I have to put up a dozen pictures in the living room.
While all this is going on my car has to go in for servicing on the 8th, it's the 6th today and I have got two barmy dogs running all over squabbling good-naturedly over a little, stuffed elephant cuddly toy.
Still, look on the bright side, at least I'll be able to get a wash in comfort and use my heating instead of having the fire on all the time. It's about time!