Sunday, March 04, 2018

What's the Craic?

What's the Craic?
 Craic; I am not even going to try to explain it, the meaning is myriad. There I was, sitting with my morning cuppa and I get an email on my phone from someone called Susan.
 I mean, who is Susan?
I know who Alice is, Chubby Brown is the only one who doesn't. But I have no idea who Susan is. I used to have a stalker called Susan but she can't put two words together so I am discounting her.
It would seem that she wants to get together with me. Personally, I think it is one of those scams that we hear about so I told her not to contact me again.
What is going on when these nasty fuckers can just pluck names out of the air and try to con them?
I mean to say, what is the craic? What is going on? What's the craic?

Friday, March 02, 2018


The living room is lovely and warm, even the dogs are comfy.
Anyway, the door opened and in she came, wrapped for an arctic winter in her Eskimo-type onesie and stood looking at me and the dogs.
"There is no milk!" says her.
"I don't care," was my considerate retort. "I use cream in my coffee. If you want Acker Bilk, go up the garage and get some."
"It's freezing outside!" cries the blot on the landscape.
"Aint it the truth!" I say, grinning. "Nothing I can do about that, it's in the hands of the weather I'm afraid."
"You horrible sod! You'll let me freeze!"
"Why not?" I ask, not unreasonably. "Why would I want to freeze when it's you needs the milk."
"Bastard." says her and flounces out, door left wide open.
I just closed the door, stroked the dog and picked up my hot coffee.

It's snowing!

It's snowing!
Now, a lot of people may have looked out of the window recently and if they are as observant as me they may have noticed that it is snowing and apparently most of Europe has come to a standstill. Trains are stranded, cars and lorries are stuck all over the place, roads are impassable, drivers and passengers have been stuck in traffic for hours and the catalogue of disasters seems to be more or less endless. However, what I don't understand is why are we surprised?
It seems to me that every year, some worse than others, it snows and the country collapses.
"Oh!" they cry. "We will make sure it never happens again!
But it does.
Every year it does, some worse than others.
Well, I have got some advice for everyone.
Stay at home where it is nice and warm and safe.
It's snowing!

Saturday, February 24, 2018

It's a liberty

It's a liberty, no other way to put it.
Incidentally, if the Roman Empire didn't have an air force, how come Pontius was a pilot?
If all brides are beautiful, where the fuck do ugly wives come from?
Where was I? Oh yes, it's a liberty.
I had to put my car in for it's MOT yesterday and they had it up on ramps for about two hours, I was expecting a problem. However, when it was all over I had to cough up for a light that had gone out on my rear number plate.
They gave me the bill, 77pence for a bulb!
Now, call me Shirley if you have to and as long as you don't want a smack in the mouth, but that's a lot of money to a poor old pensioner like me. Okay, so it's a good car and apart from new tyres last year the bulb going is the only problem I have had in over two years, but that's not the point! The point is I had to pay 77pence for a new bulb and THAT, in anybody's dictionary, is a liberty

Thursday, February 22, 2018

It must be legal now

It must be legal now.
I suppose I better be a bit more explicit here.
I was sitting sort of half watching the telly last night and there was an advert on about borrowing money. The bit that got me was when I was idly reading the small print at the bottom of the screen and realised that the interest rate was over 1200 percent!
I don't give a camel's fart what anybody says, that's usury, and as far as I know, usury is illegal.
You see it all over the place, warnings about loan sharks and offers of advice and how to avoid them. If that is the case, why are they allowed to advertise on national telly?
It must be legal now.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

I need to listen a bit more.

I need to listen a bit more.
What I mean is that I listen to her, sometimes, but not a lot and not too closely. Well, she never says anything interesting and what she knows about anything is negligible. Mind, according to her she knows everything
She gets up every morning and comes down the stairs wearing her onesie and looking about as attractive as anthrax just not as appealing. The minute she puts a foot in the kitchen she starts;
"How long have you been up? Have you fed the dogs? What have you had to eat? Where are we going today? We need milk, go and get some. I need some money, give me your card before I go out! Has the dog been chewing the draft excluder again?" and so on, on and on, on and on, and I turn her off, it's not worth listening to.
Then she will say, "Are you listening to me?"
I am honest, and like annoying her so I say, "No. I'm not. You talk crap at the best of times."
The stress levels rise promptly. "What!" yells Shirly Temple. "Am I talking to myself?"
"It's the only way you'll get a sensible conversation," I tell her.
This makes matters worse and she is off, slagging me off while I snigger a good deal.
I need to listen a bit more.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Ha! She never stops!

Ha! She never stops!
She just came storming back in. Here's me, sitting here playing with my toys and minding my own business, bothering nobody. Does that cut any ice with Betty Boop? Does it bollocks."When am I getting my new car?"
"When you get your driving licence,"I tell her.
"I've got my provisional!" cries Gert Bucket. "You can get the car in your name and I can have my lessons and practice in it!"
"Right!" says me sarcastically.
"Well, I can!" says she. "And I could drive myself to the shops."
"Drive me to the funny farm," says our hero. "Why not get a bike?"
"Why don't you sod off?" is her response. She is always the same. If she has no connection to reality she resorts to abuse.
Ha! She never stops!


If she thinks she is getting more money to waste out of me this week she has got another think coming. She has got more chance of seeing Ian Paisley kissing Gerry Adams' arse.

We need some understanding around here

We need some understanding around here, that's what we need.
Let me see if I can elucidate a little bit. Great word that, elucidate. Don't know what it means but I'll see if I can find someone who can explain it. Haha, I just come out with them you know.
Right, let's see.
Mrs Rip Van Winkle upstairs thinks anything less than twenty hours sleep is a deprivation which ought to be taken up by Amnesty International, but never mind. She crawls out of her stinking pit with her little dog some time getting toward teatime and stands looking at the clock with a face on her that would paralyse fucking steam!
"Why didn't you wake me up?" she demands.
"I did!" I lie. "You just went back to sleep. If they ever make sleeping an Olympic sport you are a dead certainty for a double gold. Synchronised sleeping, you and Charlie."
"Bollocks," is her ladylike retort and off she goes to make tea. Two minutes later she is back.
"There is no milk!" she cries.
"What you telling me for?" I demand. "I told you last night and you said you were getting up early to go shopping with Angela. So don't complain if you are too tired to drag your arse out of your pit!"
"Why didn't YOU go?" demands Missus unreasonable.
"I was busy," I lie. "Watching cowboy films. They don't watch themselves you know."
"Why is it always me who has to go shopping?"
She looks very attractive in her onesie, to flies.
"You are bone bloody idle," says her as she flounces out.
See! What we need around here is some understanding!

Monday, February 05, 2018

I'm not going there again.

I'm not going there again.
Let me; elucidate. (a Good word that one, elucidate. Don't know what it means.
It was Bloody Mary's birthday yesterday, she was sixty-one going on twelve. Anyway, it was her birthday and she wanted to go for a meal with her two daughters, a granddaughter and me to pay for it.
"Where?" I asked, fear and miserly intent wrenching my bowels.
"The Grange!" cries Herself and of course the daughters agreed. Where the fuck is Cinderella? I've found the two ugly sisters.
"Alright," says the Saint. "We will go to The Grange."
So we all get ready, even Alyssa got a wash. That kid is waterproof.
All piled in my poor, long-suffering car and off we set.
Halfway there they decided to go to The Grey Horse in Boldon where I had chicken and ale pie or some such crap and when I got it the pie wasn't cooked. Not only that but Angela found a hair in her food, whatever it was.
I left, felt definitely Dissatisfied. Angela complained and the manager gave her a tenner but that's not the point, the food was crap.
I'm not going there again.