The plot thickens

I have more news this week - if this keeps up this drivel could well start being almost interesting. The news is that the Parole Board has issued its list of witnesses to be called to the oral hearing next month, those on the side of the penal system. Perhaps the word "side" is a poor choice - they are merely there to put the official point of view, there are no sides as such. However, be that as it may, the "prosecution" (so to speak) have issued a list of those they are calling to give oral evidence and to be questioned as regards that oral evidence. This is why they call it an oral hearing - it's all clever stuff.

I've had these lists before from the Parole Board - after all, this is my fourth oral hearing. (Or is it my third? No, I think it is the fourth. But I don't want to get into any fights over it. So don't quote me - I may be wrong.) As I say, I've had these lists before and they simply tell me and my "side" who will be called. We can then add to the list anyone we wish to call to speak for the "defence" (so to speak!).

Examining the list, I was suddenly struck by the fact that there is no one listed to represent the Secretary of State. There is ALWAYS a representative of the Secretary of State - he or she is, after all, the main witness for the prosecution, as it were. There is nobody listed to speak for the Secretary of State!

I presumed it was some sort of oversight. I made enquiries of as discreet a nature as I could. I said, "Hoy! Why is there nobody telling lies for the Secretary of State?"

"000h," was the reply, "not a clue! Never seen that before!!!"

Another one said, "It looks like they are not putting up any opposition to your application, you must be getting a walk-over!"

The plot thickens.

I checked my papers. What objections could and should the representative of the Secretary of State be putting up? I found that there aren't any. I have no targets - nothing. All they are saying is that they want me to carry on exactly the way I am now - a good boy just two steps from sainthood. Not much for them to hang their hat on there then. Am I to be unopposed at the hearing?

The Wallace will be there, but she is recommending downgrade and transfer to less secure conditions. So is the prison psychologist. And they are the two most influential witnesses, the ones who count. Mind, they are really witnesses for the prosecution! They belong to "their" side.

The Smiling Assassin will be there - or at least she is listed. I think she will find herself on "leave" on the date - that's how they get out of difficult situations. A con will scream, "But Governor Such-and-Such said so!" Answer: "Well, the Governor's on leave at the minute." So that's where the Smiling Assassin will be, I expect.

On top of all that, we will (or should) have the independent psychologist, who will be there to support my application as an independent member of the psychological community. And Andrew will be there as an observer just to see that fair play is the order of the day.

The plot thickens even further. The paperwork to have me downgraded and transferred to a less secure lunatic asylum has (according to the prison) been sitting on the Deputy Governor's desk for months, waiting to be signed. Andrew has written about it, as have my solicitors, but got no reply so far.

Then, on Tuesday just gone, I was sitting in my cell, writing, when the door opened to admit the Wing S.O., the Wing Governor and the Number One, Hoss the Boss. Did they want anything? Apparently not, because all they said was that I can have a new pin-up board if I want one. Yeah! Right! The big cheese spends his time asking me if I want a new pin-up board - of course he does. Did they come to have a look at me? If they did, why?

Finally, Boudica tells me a tale from the internet about someone by the name of Lotta Fees. I'm not having it. It's not a real person - and if it is, then she ought to change her name. I wish I could change my name - and not to any of the rude and offensive ones that Boudica and her mates are suggesting. I'd like a good name - like Rudyard Finklestein. All suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Some of the rude suggestions from Boudica and her happy gang of escapees from a secure mental institution were actually very funny, but I can't tell her that - she'll get big-headed, and that will never do. One big head in the family is enough.

Lotta Fees my sorry arse!

Oh yes, and a quick one before I go. Here I am, stuck in jail surrounded by hairy-arsed gangsters and terrorists, and on the canteen shopping list some of the most popular items are tiny vials of perfume, all manner of smellies and washing powder with aloe vera and orange blossom! Come on! Whatever happened to tough guys with missing teeth and smelling like a Liverpool docker's armpit?

The worst part of it is that I'm one of them. I buy the soap powder so my clothing smells nice - I'm ashamed of myself, hee hee. Mind, I know why it is that when we bath our dogs tbey run outside and roll about in cowdung - or worse. They are getting rid of the smell of civilisation. The Afghanis have been doing that for years.

The Voice In The Wilderness