Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Galloping Gourmet

It was a cold start to the day yesterday - and got progressively worse as the day went on. But I can't complain because I enjoyed the day immensely.

To begin with, I got out of the gate quite quickly compared to the fiasco last weekend - and there they were, begod, sitting in the motor vehicle, waiting for me. Let me tell you, when you see a Land Rover parked up quietly with three females in it, smiling in a sinister fashion, a wise man is cautious because you just KNOW that sooner or later, someone is going to start taking the piss. All, that is, without mentioning Harvey - and, as the world is fully aware, eleven-year-old boys can cut up a bit rough  at the best of times.

So, there they were, three of them, smiling - and when a woman smiles, a wise man heads for the hills. Let's have it right - there's Patricia, a farmer's wife for years, used to all manner of heavy work that a Sumo wrestler would refuse to take on; Sara her daughter, ANOTHER farmer's wife, who has clearly served her apprenticeship in places on a par with the Siberian saltmines; and Da-Da, Laura or, as she is better known on the wrestling circuit, Lulubelle. Just to make matters worse, all three are extremely well-versed horsewomen who wouldn't have been out of place amongst Ghengis Khan's hordes. A man would have to be insane to tackle any one of them - to tackle all three of them, he would have to be suicidal! And I'm a well-known coward at the best of times.

We went to Tesco's, me being bullied all of the way. I had a list of ingredients with me for our meal that I was cooking with my own lily-white mitts later that day. Ah! But I'm not silly. I gave the list to the ladies as I stood there looking helpless and assured them that they were the best ones for the job of collecting said potion together, men being notoriously dim when it comes to shopping. Of course they fully agreed and while they stood there congratulating themselves I grabbed Harvey and we abandoned ship. We legged it into parts of Tesco's where ladies never go - the men's bit.

Well, we wandered around, Harvey and me, and even went so far as to buy a packet of hankies, carefully peering around corners to make sure we weren't ambushed by the aforementioned females. Back at the vehicle, I suddenly remembered that me and Harvey had to go somewhere, so we escaped again to the garage. But they found us. I think Harvey must be chipped - his mother traces him too, too eaily.

Well, we finally arrived at the Hole in the Wall gang's hideout and it was great to see that Andrew had already arrived! Much greetings and helloings and I took Andrew to meet Buddy. (See! Cooking ingredients, meeting Buddy - the Galloping Gourmet! Try to keep up, this is all clever stuff you know! I don't just open my mouth and let the wind flap it ahout - I think about things before I write them down. And if you believe that then you deserve to be part of the dynamic trio mentioned earlier.)

So, there we were, in the kitchen and Jade arrived. So we got on with it, me doing what I could to remove my fingers and Jade doing the actucal cooking while she chattered away, no doubt looking forward to the day when she is able to join her mother's gang. It all worked quite well really. We soon had it bubbling away nicely like any good witch's cauldron should and once Jade and I had done that, we were finished. The rice was being cooked later in the afternoon by someone else - we had done our bit.

Jade went off to play with her Play Station, Harvey having wisely disappeared much earlier, and Sara got the western saddle out for me. So I checked the leather (it's getting softer - wonderful) and Sara threw it on Buddy's back. Buddy was being quite good for a change - maybe he's getting religion. Hoisted myself up there (it's a long way back down and Andrew had point blank refused to even contemplate getting up, but I'm made of sterner stuff - I can be talked into anything) and off we went, Buddy and me, ambling along, like Clint Eastwood in  a spaghetti thingy - all we needed was the music in the background. Buddy cut up rough once or twice, but his heart wasn't really in it. I think he only did it as a sort of token thing, just to let me know that next time, if he can be bothered, he'll get me. Unsaddled, and him back to eat the grass in his paddock (why do people buy lawnmowers - buy a horse!), we were all soon settled in the dining room shovelling down the Wilky version of rogan josh, tearinq lumps off the naan breads.

After that, Jade decided that we should all play her version of "Who wants to be a millionaire?" usinq questions she had copied from the PS2 game - the winners got nothing, the losers did the washing up. Notice how clever she is - she was the quizmaster and therefore no danger of HER doing the washing up. As it turned out, the real losers, Lulubelle and her sidekick, simply refused to do it - so that was a quiz well spent.

Shortly after that it was time to get changed back into my pox­doctor's clerk clothing and Andrew delivered me back to durance vile with fifteen minutes to spare.  What an excellent day - better than putting your tongue out at passing policemen.

As the sun set slowly on the landscape at the end of yet another Lincolnshire, rural day, I thought to myself, "That curry was nice - it may be time to suggest mince and taties."

The Voice In The Wilderness

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