The iceman cometh

Well, it's official - we have become the laughing stock of Europe. Put it this way - you know that you are on the bottom when the Swedes start taking the mick and laughing at you. It seems that they (the Swedes) get a foot of snow overnight and it barely registers. Kids go to school - as usual; old folk sit on park benches grumbling - as usual; people go to work - as usual; and even the red light district has business - as usual.

In this country, someone mentions snow and the place comes to a complete halt and the experts start warning about the coldest and most severe winter since 1947 and/or 1963. The bleeding hearts and artists whisper into their gin and tonics and pints of real ale about global warming and the next ice age being here. We have po-faced gits coming on the telly assuring us all that we've got enough grit and salt to keep the major roads clear for at least twenty minutes - nothing to worry about. 


Then thousands abandon their cars and everything closes down, including the airports - and Santa's sodding Grotto! And we become comatose in our cocoons of warmth and swear never to leave the house again until the 'Big Thaw', whatever that means.

Okay, there has been a bit of snow. It's winter! That's what happens in winter - it snows! Why are we so surprised? Why does the country grind to a halt? This is not a freak occurrence - it happens every bleedin' year!

Is it any wonder that the rest of the world laughs at us? Our leaders assure us that we are a leading world power, we are heavyweights. Bollocks! If a bit of snow brings us to our knees then it is a poor outlook for us being a heavyweight.

The simple fact is that the wrong people are in charge of the wrong things. If we want to make sure that this sort of fiasco doesn't happen in future then give the job to a couple of young school-leavers from Sweden or Norway, THEY know what is needed.

Come to think about it, much the same thing could be said about most government departments - for the love of any Gods that may be, give the jobs to people who know what they are doing! Just because some fool is given a job doesn't mean that they have the ability to do it.

Moving on, it's getting toward Christmas, that time of the year when everyone pretends to be jolly and secretly wishes it was all over so that they can ignore the family for the rest of the year. Having said that, kids love Christmas AND snow.

Ah, the innocence of childhood, where did it go? It seems like only yesterday that I waited eagerly for Christmas morning when I would get a few sweets, an apple and an orange and maybe a few nuts with maybe one present later in the day. Things have changed these days of course. Try giving a kid of our modern society an apple, an orange and a game of Ludo for Christmas and we will find ourselves in Juvenile Court applying for an ASBO against the little hooligans. They would look us in the eye and say, "What's this?"

I can think of no better way than to finish with the words of a Chubby Brown song. Now, this is going to annoy, irritate and quite simply offend a lot of people, but it's no good yelling at me - I didn't write it. It's called "HEY, SANTA! WHERE'S MY FUCKING BIKE?"

Hey Santa! Where's my fucking bike?
I've had a good look round down here
There's fuck all here I like.
My sister got her nurse's gear,
My brother got a mike,
You grey-haired geriatric twat,
Where's my fucking bike?

That'll be me off Santa's list again.

The Voice In The Wilderness