Saturday, June 04, 2011

Photo call

In every town there's a man with a dirty mac. A disreputable old fellow who bothers nobody, simply goes about his business in his own way, dirty mac flapping around skinny shanks - much like Shylock in "The Merchant of Venice".

Why have I brought that up? Haven't got a clue, but I have to write about SOMEthing and I should imagine that enough has been said recently about the parole hearing, so I'm leaving that alone - for the minute, anyway.

Boudica has told me in no uncertain terms that I'd better start being nicer to her and stop my rudenesses. I have been given the Gypsy's Warning, and I quote:

Remember, you old goat, you won't be in there for ever!
Now, forgive me for being presumptuous, but that definitely sounds like a threat to me. I mean to say, I wouldn't have said that I am famous for being over-sensitive at all, but that definitely sounds like a threat to me. Does she know that sending threats through the Royal Mail is a criminal offence? Rat bag.

Here's me, minding my own business, saying nothing to anyone, bothering no one and generally being invisible, just like the fellow in the dirty mac that I mentioned earlier - and along comes Boudica in her jeans and bovver boots making unnecessary (and may I say, unrealistic) threats. It's enough to make a fellow turn to drink.

Boudica sent me some very interesting photographs the other day, so I think I'll mention one or two. I was delighted that she had sent them but I can't tell her that - she'll start to think she is clever and get above herself.

One was of Doc Jo who, as we all know, works tirelessly for others. Boudica calls her "Superwoman" and I can't argue - she IS a superwoman. However, that doesn't detract from the fact that it is HER turn to write to ME! I think she is in Ethiopia at the minute, or she may have gone back to Camp Mercy.

There were a couple of pictures of Titus Pullo in real life, and on the set of "Rome". (Ray is a friend of Jo's - she wanted Caesar but he was busy crossing the Rubicon at the time.)

Who else?

There is one of Conor, who is a member of the Pathfinder team at Camp Mercy, and a couple of the others I think (Pathfinders). Conor! The letter you sent at Christmas still hasn't got here. Who did you post it with - Royal Mail?

There's a picture of Joy, Boudica's pal in Dakota who spends her spare time avoiding tornadoes and smiling a lot.

There is a picture of my brother Robert, the one who thinks he looks like Claude Van Damme. Robert is the only person I know who, as a child, managed to get run down by a milk float in reverse. Step up Robert, you win the "Idiot of the Year" prize. I bet he swears at me for that crack.

A picture of a rabbit! Why would I need a picture of a rabbit! The best place for rabbits is in a nice sauce and covered by a flaky crust to keep them warm.

A picture of Billy M - good on yer Billy.

I think that covers it all - anybody I have forgotten to annoy? If I have missed anyone out please bear in mind that I'm an old codger now, decrepit and practically senile. I can't wait until I can stand in Tesco's queue and pretend to be incontinent and get to the front of the line. Boudica says that if I do that I will have to live in a tent in the back of the house. Well, I've got news for you, my little drop of mountain hemlock, after a cell, a tent will seem like luxury, so stop the idle threats. And pretend to be deaf!

Oh yes, I'll be trying that one. I'll drive public servants mad - they'll deal with me quickly just to get rid of me. Make no mistake about it, there are definitely many advantages to getting on a bit in years, and it gives us an excuse to wear a dirty mac.

The Voice In The Wilderness

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