A letter from Bleak House

Once again I astonish myself with my ignorance. Does that need explaining? Not to those who know me. In fact, according to my little sister, I am as thick as a “bull's lug” - which also needs explaining (being Sunderland folk, or Mackems, we have our own language and accent):

Lug: An appendage found on the side of the head, normally called an ear.

So, to get back to what I was saying. My ignorance is boundless - ask anyone. I've got this desktop computer along with the bits that go with it, including a printer and a web-cam. All clear so far? Excellent.

My guru was here on Saturday and got the printer to work with alchemy, leaving me completely ignorant as to how it all works. We've got a dongle....now here's something I have to comment on, dongle. What's a sodding dongle? Why couldn't they use a word with a bit more gravitas? Dongle! It sounds almost suggestive.

“Pssst, pssst...want to see my dongle?”

I know exactly what the creator of dongles was thinking...”Let's use a word that nobody will want to go into W.H.Smith's and say above a whisper.”

Anyway, I've got this dongle which connects me to the internet, albeit not very quickly. Well, we got it all working and I was left to my own devices with the words, “You can mess about with Skype and work it out.”

Skype! Another dodgy word. Apparently it is a system which allows people to use a web-cam and speak face to face (on screen) with whoever it is they are talking to on the telefunken. Of course everyone knows or knew this apart from me, the fountain of all ignorance. Anyhoo, I did just that and yesterday I managed to get my sister and brother-in-law on the screen. Unfortunately they couldn't see me - and some unkind folk might say that's a blessing in disguise but let's not go into that. It seems that there must be something lacking about my web-cam but I am assured that when I get (and use) my new laptop later this week, that matter will be corrected because the laptop has a built-in cam - problem solved so I am informed. Time will tell of course. I can only live in hope.

This morning I had what "they" call a 3-way meeting between probation people and yours truly. I brought up the subject of lifting my curfew because I have to be indoors by seven in the evening. I have no idea why. It makes no sense to me, considering those they allow to run about until eleven at night. It means I can't go for a bit of supper or anything else. So they are looking into it and will get back to me, so they say.

I then brought up the matter of allowing me to go up to Sunderland on the weekend because it is my brother's fiftieth and a lot of the family will be coming from far and wide. I am the head of the family and there are a lot I haven't seen for about thirty years. There are youngsters in our family and those who even have their own little families who weren't born when I went to jail in 1986. I want to meet all of them if I can. Once again the response was, we will look into it and get back to you.

In prison that is something which causes despair - “I'll get back to you.” It is part of governor-grade training apparently. Their final training session includes practicing the following sentence;

“Leave it with me...I'll look into it and get back to you.”

When they can say that with complete sincerity then they are qualified to be promoted to governor-grade. All I can say is that I hope it hasn't spread to the outside probation service here in the secret city where Bleak House is located.

The Voice In The Wilderness